Be a Bad Date
Imagine being such a terrible person that you’re good at dating. Imagine having such boring views that you can tell them to any number of dozens of people and have them be accepted without a postscript explanation. Imagine having such a mundane backstory that you can describe it to your dinner date, in public, without vulgarity, and not have to really… really… really emphasize that you’re not damaged and not insane and not a guacamole loving red flag!
Imagine thinking that dating leads to marriage when they’re actually exact opposites.
Successful relationships come from commitment. They come from teamwork. They come from two people wanting the same things and working together to obtain them. They also come from two people wanting different things and working together to accept that your partner achieving their goals should be one of your goals.
No one became a good driver by test driving lots of cars. They became a good driver by choosing one car and driving it through every type of road condition. A successful relationship comes the same way. You select a partner AND THEN navigate as many scenarios as you can as a couple. All the while learning when to downshift, when to hit cruise control, and when to pull over and wait for help.
The problem I see is that people don’t recognize the opposites aspect. Dating is something no married people do. Well, let me correct that. Dating how single people do is something no married people you want to be like do. There are plenty of spouses stepping out and canoodling outside of their marriage… some with permission to do so. And there are millions of loving partners who still date their bride or groom. But those couples aren’t small talking. They’re not one bad answer away from ghosting the other person. They’re not putting their phone on silent so the appetizer isn’t interrupted by Tinder notifications (Again, stay with me. I can’t correct every statement for the cheaters.) And they’re not unsure about whether there will be a follow-up date. They’re committed to the person they’re with. From the beginning. And through the awkward conversations. Through the horrific karaoke. Through the “she’s now walking barefoot 20 minutes into the date because she doesn’t wear heels very often anymore”. And through the rough spots, the poor communication, the misunderstandings, the too much to drink, the coworker got a little too comfortable around her, and so on. That’s the part marriage teaches you that dating never will. That commitment is the secret ingredient. And that’s the thing that being too good at dating, or dating too much, ruins in you. That you begin to divide what you keep for yourself and what you give to a prospective partner. Which cards you show and which cards you don’t. And in case you’re unaware, quality relationships require vulnerability and trust. The two top things people in the dating pool try to avoid at all costs. Even worse, the entire benefit of dating is that if you’re unhappy, you can just go back and reselect versus try harder and learn more. An action that has begun every divorce.
So I say we flip it. Be a horrible dater. Break all the rules. Change it up. Cling to your old-school ideals. Expect too much. Trust too openly. Commit for no reason other than you want to. And love the idea of love even if it’s too early to scream it from the rooftops.
On the first date, sit in their lap. Tell them all the unsavory stories. Bring all of your friends. Make your date kiss your dog. Sleep in the same bed, stay up until 4am on a work night, borrow their sunglasses, and tell them to park somewhere they get a parking ticket.
Have fun with it! Be all of yourself. Clear your schedule except for dates with Rachel/ Dave. Give them your free time, play the piano that says “do not touch”, run to Target together, and be all in… all in… all in… from the get-go. Show this unsuspecting person that the reason so many relationships fail is because we’ve all, every one of us, been doing it wrong. We’ve been seeking comfort or companionship simply because we were lonely. But many people in the wrong relationship or with the wrong person are just as lonely. And we’ve been concerned with what we want as individuals instead of what we want as half of a relationship. Because if you’re tied to someone until death do you part, acting as an individual is going to hurt their feelings. Which is going to hurt YOUR relationship. So you have to say that “we” are going to act as individuals. Individuals that want a healthy relationship above wanting to go fishing or salsa dancing… although we still want to touch a salmon and a hot Puerto Rican dance instructor!
My point is: be the worst dater ever. Burn every single suitor out. But don’t you dare be the first one to bail. And keep doing that until you find someone who isn’t turned off by it. Someone who wants to know more. Someone who sees how undesirable most other relationships are and wants something different as well. Someone who is INSPIRED by your determination to be yourself and achieve your own goals in a way that doesn’t hinder theirs or cause them to change the parts they aren’t interested in changing. HINT: Most people want to change and just don’t know how or have the right person motivating them.
Not that I like marriage, but date with married people confidence. Be totally yourself but treat your partner like there’s no way they can be doing better than you tonight. Date like there’s not an option of you trading up or losing interest. Know that if you two can’t be the funnest, cutest, most compatible couple in the spot, then it’s not possible. And show yourself and whomever you’re spending your days with that you don’t want boring, old, normal. You want excitement. You want passion. You want creativity. You want fun. You want early commitment. And ultimately, you want love. So that’s the stuff you’re going to have to bring to your first date. And your second date. And your sixth date. And to the girlfriend’s BFF’s birthday party. And to the office going away party. And to Taco Tuesday!
Stop trying to date everyone until you find a good one and just find a good one and then date the shit out of them. Because truth be told, when we’re all sober and going to sleep, all any of us really want is that perfect match who knows the little-known truths about us to be lying next to us, accepting us, caring for us, and being committed to us.
So start there. Seek that. Don’t waste another evening.
