Explain It To Me

I don’t freakin’ get it. Why would anyone be afraid of getting a broken heart? Why would anyone be scared of being vulnerable? Why would anyone be worried about being taken advantage of?

So what if those things happen. So what if it all ends and you walk away the better and more noble person for acting how you felt like acting. So what if you came to the table with an open heart, an honest want, and a trusting soul only to be let down. At least you engaged those items in yourself. At least you got to practice how other people want to be. At least you saw hope and potential love in someone else.

I prefer the ups and the downs of the days when I am in love with someone. I prefer thinking about her, wondering what she’s doing, and being excited to see her. I even prefer the days of fighting with her, giving her my pouty treatment, or turning my back to pretend like one touch of her hand isn’t going to fix everything.

The days when no one intrigued me were much worse. The days when I played it safe, went to a BBQ without anyone giving me reason to raise an eyebrow, or talked to people who didn’t laugh with me were much more disappointing. I never liked leaving an event and thinking to myself “Why was I there? What was I doing? How could I have thought that place and those people might be interesting to me?”

Being upset with myself for not going all in, not being from the gut honest, and not letting down all walls is a much more viscous mind screw than anything a woman has done to me. Second guessing actions that should come natural hurts you more than a scorned lover. Ignoring your intuition, your passion, or your desires is much more harmful to your heart than a love gone wrong.

I’m not invincible. I don’t have relationships figured out. I can’t laugh off anything. But I know that not being my most sincere, not opening myself up to personal failures, or not letting my ego take a few kidney punches from an amazing woman would be a bigger let down than if someone tells me to pack all of my things into boxes and never see her again.

So explain it to me. Explain why so many people hesitate every step of the way in a situation that should flow gracefully. Explain why a broken heart from the past should result in stifling it so much that it operates at one-third capacity thereafter. Explain why it doesn’t have the reverse effect and cause that injured heart to surge the very next time it gets the chance to.

That old sadness and fear should be your motivation to get back in the relationship ring and swing with all your might. Because you probably made a lot of mistakes in those past loves, but being determined, excited, caring, vulnerable, and committed weren’t them.