Just Love
What’s my love language? It’s love. That’s it… just love.
You can give me words of affirmation. But if they’re dishonest or insincere or manipulative, I’d rather you just not say anything. And they don’t even have to be affirming. You can tell me I got the best spot in the Costco parking lot and then look at me with a little smile, so I know that you don’t mean it as a compliment, but you know that I’m totally going to take it as one, so then we both smirk because we love those little pokes between us. If you’re giving me a hard time, and it comes from love or with love, then I love the fuck out of those words! Yet it’s still not the words I care about…
The same for quality time. Don’t just log the hours. Don’t think you’re earning something in return by spending your time with me. Instead, love walking aimlessly with me. Love that I’m always down for a trip to Target or PetSmart or your mom’s house. If it’s not fun, if you don’t love it, if you’re not sure you love me, then save us both the wasted time and go spend your days with someone else. I don’t need any ole person’s time, I need the time of someone who loves me and who appreciates me loving them back. Hell, soak me in love and I can even be understanding of the time you don’t have to give. Because if you love me, then I know almost every minute of every day has you thinking about me… since that’s exactly how I feel and think about you. Love is what makes those times quality anyway…
Acts of service, gifts, and touch… keep those all to yourself as well if they’re not absolutisms of your love. I don’t want you completing a checklist of what to do for me. I don’t want a hoodie because you buy all of your boyfriends one. And although the touching is awesome, I’m going to be even more hurt if I ever find out you were doing it just to go through the motions or because you were lonely/ sad/ drunk/ confused/ trying to hurt another love. Each of those things comes with immense pain and confusion if in retrospect I find out love wasn’t the motivation. Then the service, gifts, and touching were loveless. Which means now I’m left wondering if some words were lies, if some times were cheating, if some acts were self-serving, if some gifts were a ploy, and if some touches were meant for someone else. And whoa what a mindfuck that is to have to deal with when a relationship ends. On top of all of the other feelings and tears. Because I know that none of my actions were lacking love. I couldn’t be with someone I didn’t love. I don’t even want to try. I respect the word too much!
Fuck!
Fuck!
So many of us have been so hurt that we don’t know when we’re hurting others. Which is why we need love. Because if you truly love someone, hurting them hurts. A real, true, sleepless, deep down, gut wrenching hurt.
Why is it so fucking hard? Why do people have to focus on these stupid procedures and labels instead of just being transparent with themselves and figuring out how they honestly feel. Either you love me or you don’t. And if you’re not sure, then you don’t.
It doesn’t matter that you’re being cautious. It doesn’t matter what I do for a living or how much I make. Well, it shouldn’t matter. And it also doesn’t matter how long you’ve been single, what your sign is, how much you love yourself, or what your stupid love language is. All that matters is if you feel like loving me. And then if I feel like loving you. And even if I don’t, you can still love the shit out of me. You can practice doing all the right things for all the right loving reasons and when that ends, at least you sharpened the skills and were certain of what it takes to love someone. So many people don’t know how that feels. Or even how to accomplish it.
I love love. My love language is love. I love being in love. And I love laughing with someone I love because that connection lets you get to the giggle point more often and with more ease. In fact, I’m kind of shitty to people I’m not in love with because I know I’d rather be spending my minutes with the person I care about the most. I’d rather be around my love person whether it’s sunshiny or rainy, a good day or a bad day, slow and chill or manic as fuck. More so, I don’t want to tell someone else any affirming words. I want all of my time, all of gifts, all of my service, and definitely… absolutely… without a doubtedly… all of my touches to only land on the person I love kissing, love touching, love seeing, love talking to, love smiling at, and love sleeping next to.
I want fights full of yelling love. Where we’re both only mad because our love ideal is being threatened and we’re determined to get it back to its full loving potential. I want road trips where we hate the road, hate the hotel, hate the town, hate the restaurants, but love that we got to experience it with the person we love. And I want love to be the center of why we’re together, why we think each other is funny, why we’re proud of each other, why no one else can tempt us away, why people see us in public and point out how loving we are, and why no matter how challenging being in a relationship is, we always figure it out because love this fucking thick and certain isn’t going to get replaced. Ever.
Just love me. However you feel it. It doesn’t have to be the kind I’ve received in the past. If it’s through words or time or service or gifts or touch, still just love me. And if the love isn’t there, then don’t do any of those things for me. Just leave me alone until someone who cares enough to fix this aching, jaded heart can’t keep themselves from me. And then watch that when someone is in love, wild horses can’t keep them away from their person. Their one and only person.
Because love.
